Slurp Voraciously.

It is essential that you slurp your noodles in Japan.

It’s rude if you don’t.

You have to make more noise than the salary man sitting to your left and the high school hip hop kid to your right. The chef will be watching you and he’ll be horribly offended if he can’t hear you enjoying his noodles at fighter jet level decibels. His staff will be on call to sloppily pour water in your glass and spill ice cubes and water in your lap if you dare enjoy those noodles quietly. That’s selfish here.

Eating noodles is a social auditory experience. It’s a finely tuned symphony of lips, tongues and wanton gluttony.

The louder you go, the more politely you are received. And when you come to something that’s not a noodle, like a scrap of pork or a hard boiled egg, you better smack your lips something fierce. Your every move is being carefully monitored. You are being tested. You will be judged as either ‘ignorant foreigner swine’ or ‘foreigner who is trying their damnedest to be complimentary.’ Your future dining experience at this establishment depends on this vital first impression.

Japan is a very nuanced and sophisticated culture that makes it hard for non-islanders to assimilate. But when it comes to noodles and ramen, the math is simple:

The more noise you make, the more beloved you will become.

Slurp voraciously.

The Ramen Stall

It’s like solitary confinement for the ramen aficionado.

You walk into this ‘speed ramen’ joint and there is absolutely no human contact, at any part of the process.

It’s efficient. It’s logical. It’s Tokyo taking care of business.

First is is the pre-ramen worship.

You put your money into a machine, press your choice and take a damn ticket just like everyone else behind you is lining up to do.

Once you have the ticket, you are filtered into the main cell blocks. Each ramen booth is set-up like a Western polling place. Partitions and curtains between eaters so that you never understand who is to your left and right. It must be a lunch haven for the Tokyo organized crime set.

Straight ahead of you, behind another curtain is where you will be presented with your selection. The curtains part and give you a tiny glimpse into the kitchen, as a pair of mime hands emerge to present you with your ramen offering.

The stall is self-contained.

There is a spigot to your left to refill your water.

Containers of garlic and soy sauce are to your right, to customize the flavor. DIrectly behind you is a tissue box mounted to the wall. A nice branding tactic that proudly boasts ‘this stuff is gonna be hot, buckle up.’

The rows of stalls completely discourage human contact.

The only communication is the symphony of voracious ramen slurpers, letting out occasional satisfied sighs.

The music is a looping early 1980’s Nintendo midi track, that encourages you to eat as fast as you can, so you don’t have to hear the wretched booping and beeping track a second time. The track speeds up as you’re eating, creating this weird, interactive ramen experience that feels like you are beating a level as you vacuum down the Japanese adopted Chinese originated staple food of Tokyo.

Welcome to the Ramen Stall.

Good luck on level 6.